Formative things I have done

This is a random selection of things that I have done and which really left an impression or changed me in some way. I plan to extend this section over time.

Buying a tennis racket
 
One of the first formative things I have done is to buy a tennis racket. You may ask why is buying a tennis racket formative? Well, when I was a teenager, I used to play tennis. I had this awsome metal racket. When I found this picture, I almost got goosebumps, just from remembering how much I used to love it.
 
 
Anyway, I used to see John McEnroe on TV coming to the tennis court, carrying half a dozen of identical tennis rackets. This is obviously because the way he hit the ball, the strings tend to break quite often. So when I was 16, I decided I need to have another of the awesome metal rackets. Now, since they were quite expensive, my parents thought that was not such a good idea. “Why do you want to waste your money and buy the same racket again? You already got one.” So I really thought very hard, and eventually I bought it, against my parents’ advice. And this was in fact the first time I ever did anything against my parents advice. But I remember that every time I went to play tennis with my two rackets, I felt immensely happy (I was a little like John McEnroe after all).
 
 
I did the right thing. It was a small thing, but it showed me that parents are not always right. I guess it took many years for my parents to also realise this. But it usually doesn’t happen unless you make them see. And of course, it helps a great deal if you succeed in things that you do on your own, against their advice.
And so another major decision for me was to spend most of my time during my medical studies doing research in the lab, even though my family wanted me to become a doctor. It turned out that this helped me to find out what I really liked to do. And eventually my parents could see that, too.
The time I started running
 
When I was in school, I used to be a very good student (this changed dramatically when I came to University…). Anyway, the best school grade in Germany is “1”, and most of the time I used to have “1” in all subjects, with one notable exception – sports/physical education. Hence, my grades were the typical profile of a student who can only study well and spends all of his time studying. This always got me very embarrassed and made me think that I could never be one of the popular students. This is because when you’re in school, having good grades doesn’t really lend you any peer credibility (in fact, there often seemed to be a negative correlation between being good in school and being popular…). As such, I had serious lack of self-confidence. In fact, I remember when I was in high school, I wanted to increase my peer credit by perming my hair. This was the eighties, where hair perming for men was quite in, for instance:
 
 
When I broke the news to my parents, they must have burst out with laughter (although they tried not to show it). I remember them saying “But Thilo, your hair is already naturally curly”. While that was true,
but I did not mean that kind of curly! What I really meant was that I wanted to be different. Naturally, I did not do anything against my parents ‘better judgement’ (but see the “Buying a tennis racket” post) until many years later when I decided that short hair was for me.
 
Shortly after I decided short hair was for me (2002 at the Wolfson Institute at UCL)
 
While I was in high school, one day during our 9 week summer holiday I opened the newspaper and I saw the announcement for a major 20km race in Berlin, which was going to be held just three weeks later. I remember what I read a couple of months ago about what great goals should be like. They should be exciting, immediate, challenging and concrete. Participating in this race certainly hit all those categories for me at the time. So I went on a strict training regimen, which I still remember until today. And I finished the race in 1hour and 47min. The last 7km where torture, but it didn’t matter after reaching the finish line. For the first time in my life I accomplished something amazing that was not doing well in an exam or math olympiad or the like. And I continued to run as this was a great way to become more self-confident. And because I could run, I figured I could also do other things eventually.
 

To my mentors

Most people have probably watched the 1946 Christmas classic “It’s a Wonderful Life”, which among other things, is a story about what would happen to people if one of their friends or relatives would never have existed. The movie shows that we often make differences to others in ways we don’t realise. The same can be said of our mentors. If they would not have been there for us, things would have turned out very differently. Especially without my early mentors, I would never have found the interest, passion and ability to pursue a scientific career. I guess we never really take the opportunity to thank them for all they have done for us. But they definitely have been formative for me!
 
There was Mathias, who taught me that research is really fun. Almost like a detective story that involves ourselves as well as researchers from all over the world.
 
There was Wolfgang who taught me how to produce sound and reproducible data. He also made me realise that a mentor always remains a mentor. When he came to visit me in Singapore last year, it was like in the old days, where he listens and makes really good suggestions that I had never thought of. In fact, his ideas changed our whole research direction. Talking to him, I felt like being his student again.
 
And there was June. When I first met her, she was a Professor in her late forties, and I was an undergraduate student. And I was supposed to call her by her first name. I was terrified and tried to avoid calling her by her name at all cost. But when I got used to it, it made a huge difference and really changed the relationship. So now I usually also insist that my students call me by my first name. Because if I don’t insist, I invariably regret it, because the students will never stop to call me Dr or Prof in years to come. I have students who have graduated many years ago and despite my pleas, I am still Dr Thilo. And it is natural, if a teacher, after teaching you for years, suddenly asks you to call her by her first name, you probably wouldn’t do it. But if he made clear in the first lesson that this is how he wants to be addressed, you would accept it.
 
June (on the right) with her graduate students and research fellows  around the time when I first met her
 
June showed us that a mentor can be so much more than a supervisor. For me and for everyone in the lab, she was (and still is) always a friend who always asks and listens, and who we truly respect and aspire to because of the values she lives by. She was also an incredible motivator. I remember whenever I got an exciting experimental result, I couldn’t wait to tell her about it, and when I finally did, my voice was usually trembling from excitement.
 
The most remarkable thing about all the mentors I had was that they all were really interested when you showed them experimental results, or when we thought together about research questions and tried to come up with ideas. If I look around, among many of my colleagues, I often fail to see this. And that is the greatest missed opportunity. There is nothing more exciting than doing a great experiment, or thinking of a great idea. In fact, for me the greatest joy in research is to think of an idea, and then actually try it out. And if it actually works, it is really an amazing feeling.
 
I remember my days as a postdoc at GlaxoSmithKline. I missed precisely this excitement about research, because at this big pharmaceutical company things were quite different. For instance, I remember, people at the company always read the Nature research journal from the back (which has the job adverts), as this is what most people thought about most. It also didn’t help that during my time there the company merged and most of the research projects stopped or changed. So I decided that I would spend my annual holiday at Tufts doing experiments to test one hypothesis we had with June. And June was in fact totally supportive of the idea, which still amazes me. So I spent two weeks in her lab at Tufts in Boston, alongside an amazing technician whose name is Chris. We were working until late into the night almost every day. And we did it!
The thing about papers is, they always remain. If I look at the figures, all the memories of how we did those experiments come back!
 
For most of her scientific career, June worked on the mitochondrial ATP-Mg/Pi carrier, mentioned in the title of the paper, working out how the carrier functions biochemically and what its phyiological significance is. But the ultimate proof for the existence and significance of any protein is the identification of the gene that encodes for the protein. This, however, is normally a very difficult task, especially if the protein is expressed at very low levels.
 
However, with the publishing of the human genome project, completed in 2003, it became possible to identify all genes that encode for mitochondrial transport proteins, based on sequence homology. It was then feasible to clone the genes, express the proteins one by one and try to determine its biochemical function, although it is still a very challenging task. Then one day I received an email from a colleague in Italy, breaking the news to me that they identified the gene encoding for the transporter. They called it APC (ATP-Phosphate Carrier; or as he remarked jokingly, it could also be read as Aprille Carrier – Aprille being June’s surname). I got really excited and immediately called June, who was by now Provost of a big US University. When I got through, her secretary told me that June was in a meeting, to which I replied that this is very important. So she went to fetch June from the meeting, and I could tell her the news. It was quite a moment, because it was essentially the validation of her life’s scientific work.
 
Mathias, Wolfgang and June, and various others, have touched my life, have done so much for me, to help me, to teach me, to open doors for me. And I never took the opportunity to really thank them for what they have done. But I can say that I at least try to be to my students what these mentors have been to me. It is possibly the best way I can thank them.

Perspective taking

Of all the traveling that I have done, there is one that really stands out and was definitely the most formative for me, in many ways. At the end of my first 8-month research stint in Boston, I went travelling the U.S. I used most of my savings to buy an Amtrack rail pass, which allowed me to go anywhere within the U.S. during my holiday.

And then I traveled by myself for 5 weeks. I personally feel that traveling alone is great, as I am more conscious of the environment. I am also more ready to take in new impressions (because there is nobody else to distract you) and to meet new people, too. Of course, travelling alone also allows you to decide on your own what you want to do and up to what limit you want to go, without having to consider your fellow travellers.

The biggest limit during my travels was my budget. Since I used up most of my savings to buy my rail pass, I was only left with a daily allowance of around 15 dollars, which became less as the trip progressed because I overspent.

And what’s more, I almost lost my money on more than one occasions. There was the moment at the beginning of my travel when on Times square in Manhattan someone asked me for the time. My accent (and looks) must have revealed that I was a tourist. And so a few minutes later the same man re-appeared next to me, this time saying “Look, I have a gun.” I remember well that I didn’t look (and never found out if he really had one). With a beating heart, I walked straight on across the street into the nearest shop, and didn’t come out for 15 minutes. Those seconds when I walked away from the “gun person”, not knowing what was happening behind me, were some of the scariest of my life.

And then there was the time when I arrived at 2:30 am at the Pasadena bus terminal. It was dark and there was nobody at the station and on the streets. So I walked with my backpack through the streets in the middle of the night, looking for a place to sleep. At which point two teenagers were approaching from the other direction, and I could hear how one was trying to encourage the other to mug me. Luckily, they were both afraid, and so was I of course. And for a second time, I managed to not lose my money.

I guess I learned that it is not a good idea to arrive at an unknown place in the middle of the night without a plan.

Due to my limited budget, I basically had to decide whether I wanted to use my money to eat or to sleep. Needless to say, I chose to eat, and to this day, I still remember many of the meals I had, because I was so looking forward to them. My best meals included mini-pizza for $1.50 in the train canteen, an all-you-can eat salad bar at Wendy’s and an amazingly huge Hamburger at a snack bar somewhere near Olympic National Park. I still remember sitting by the side of the road and enjoying it so much.

And there was the bus ride I took to Crate Lake National Park from Klammath Falls railway station.

There were only 4 people on the bus, a Scottish couple whom I could not understand at all and one retired American lady. The lake was amazing, but the best thing was that the retired lady invited me for dinner after the trip. It was a great way for me to get to know this small town and I actually kept in touch with the lady for some time after the trip.

Because I used my budget to buy things to eat, I slept as much as possible on the train, but if not then I had to make do with train stations or public parks. What I realised through this is that not knowing where you will sleep during the night is a terrible feeling. It prevents you of being able to enjoy what you do. And then during the night, there is the constant anxiety of police coming and checking on you. Luckily the police only checked on the real homeless people around me, but I could at least sense how humiliating and upsetting the feeling is.

I remember one particular night in Seattle, where I walked to some suburb from where I could have a great view of the city. And, while there, for lack of better options, I decided to sleep in a park in some bushes – until I heard someone or something approaching. I did not know what it was, but I of course started running. And in the middle of the night I walked through Seatlle, ending up in the Greyhound bus stop, where it was warm (yeah). But the chairs were really uncomfortable and I could not wait for the morning to come so that I could get back on the train.

Hence, I really appreciated when I was out in National Parks hiking, because in the evenings, I coud set up my little tent. And I could sleep without any worry, looking forward to a new day.

In hindsight, having little money on this holiday was really a blessing, because it allowed me to engage in what in psychology is called perspective taking. What is meant by that is for instance that we can only truly understand homeless people if we experience what being homeless is like. In other words, we cannot really develop empathy and a good understanding towards homelessness and homeless people if we only read about the causes of homelessness and problems homeless people face.

Not understanding others and not having had the same experience as them creates prejudice. As we can see on the world stage, with the growth of anti-immigrant sentiment in the US and in Europe and the rise in popularity of right wing parties in many democracies, this can have serious consequences, and can even cause major conflicts. Of note, studies have indeed shown that perspective taking can actually reduce negative views towards immigrants (see for instance this reference).

But prejudice towards others, which most of us (including me) have at least to some degree, can also affect all our everyday life. It can really hurt if someone judges us based on who we appear to be, as opposed to who we actually are. Therefore, we should strive to eliminate prejudice by understanding others better. One great way to understand others better is of course to participate in volunteer programmes. But at the same time I believe that only by temporarily giving up things we normally take for granted and exposing ourselves to the circumstances that underpivileged people experience can we truly understand their problems.

In addition, temporarily giving up things also has other benefits. For instance, by temporarily giving up small things that we take for granted, we get an understanding of how important these things really are. Knowing that we can do without certain things might also give us more confidence and reduce anxiety. For instance, knowing that we can get by with little money would probably make us less stressed out about having to find a job with a very high salary. By temporarily giving up certain things we may even recognise we don’t really need them. And most importantly, giving up things makes us more tolerant and open to different views, which makes our society a better place for all of us.

Of the few hikes I did in my life, the 6-day hike in Yosemite National Park during my US travel in 1991 was the most amazing one. And in 2019, I am planning to do it again!

6 July 2019 – Breaking 20 min over 5,000m (What a difference a few seconds make)

It was a big day. I was supposed to break my 5,000m personal best of 20:06 at the SG Open Masters Track & Field Championship and run below 20 minutes. What also made this event special for me was that in preparation for the race, I read and thought a lot about the mental side of running a race. And so I was very conscious about how I would cope with the unavoidable tiredness and exhaustion and curious to find out if I can control my mind.
 
A few weeks before the race, my mom gave me Jan Frodeno’s “Winning Matters”. Jan Frodeno is a two-time Hawaii Ironman Triathlon winner and what excited me most in his book are his descriptions of in-race experiences. What was particular revelatory was how he dealt with the inevitable tiredness, pain and exhaustion during this 8-hour long “triple marathon’ and how he managed to overcome his “innerer Schweinehund” (which is German for overcoming one’s weaker self or lack of willpower). Through this book, I became for the first time aware of the concept of perceived effort and perceived exhaustion, which is our body’s way of telling the brain that it is time to slow down before over-exhaustion and damage sets in.
 
However, the problem is that our body tends to be overly cautious and sends warning signals to the brain long before the effort is so high that real exhaustion and damage would set in. Hence our perceived level of effort and exhaustion is nowhere near the actual one.
 
This means that what often limits athletic performance is not the physical limit, but the perceived effort. In actual fact, athletes in competition never reach their physical limit, but they only feel that they do. In other words, during strenuous performance, our body sends stress signals to the brain and the brain “overreacts” by telling us to slow down. Knowing this, it is possible to prevail even when the going gets tough by manipulating our perceived effort or ignore the warning signs of the brain.
 
In fact, in “How bad do you want it?”, Matt Fitzgerald describes various examples that show that it is actually possible for a weaker athlete to beat a stronger athlete, if the weaker runner has built mental strength and is able to get closer to his physical limit.
 
In Matt Fitzgerald’s case studies of successful world athletes who overcame adversaries, he discusses two important prerequisites to build mental strength.
Firstly, one needs to believe that it is indeed possible to improve one’s performance by changing one’s relationship to perceived effort. 
Secondly, it is important to have lived through past experiences.
 
For instance, past experiences can help us because they make us realize how tough a race is, and so we are mentally prepared for the tiredness and exhaustion that we will experience. In reality, we do not usually prepare ourselves for how difficult it may get, and somehow assume that we can achieve our goal without severe suffering. But this is a wrong strategy. We should expect the race to be hard, so that we are mentally prepared to endure it.
 
It is also important to experience the failure of not meeting the target or even of not finishing a race. If this experience is engraved in our mind, we can use it to motivate us during the race to avoid having to face the feeling of failure again.
 
With regards to building mental strength, another important lesson for me is that in preparation for a race, or even any event, we should not judge based on how ready we feel, because feelings are dependent on many factors and are not a predictor of our performance. We should build our confidence on evidence based on past achievements and recent performances. We should not let how we feel control us, but ignore feelings of weakness and trust in our proven abilities.
 

And then came the race. Coach told me to first focus on the first 6 rounds and try to stay 2 seconds below my target time for each lap of 96 seconds. This was really great for two reasons. Firstly, by just focussing on the first six laps, I did not fall into the trap of counting how many laps I have left to go, which gets really demoralising, especially when you start getting tired. In fact, I tried to do what I read about, just focus on running, and not thinking about the end.
 
There was another reason why the advice to start faster was great. Even though I did not manage to run 2 seconds faster per lap, I was still 4 seconds below my target time after 6 laps. And this was critical in the end. It also helped psychologically because even though in the subsequent laps I ran slightly above my target time, I stayed motivated because I knew I can still go below 20 min.
 
So in a way, with running it is no different from real life. If we face a difficult challenge, it is a good idea to focus on an immediate goal and achieve an advantage and small success first. This will motivate us to continue towards our end goal.
 
According to the coach, after completing the first six laps, the next task was to focus on the next four laps and try to stay as close to the target time as possible. After that, there would only be 2 and a half rounds left, which one can always manage somehow. So I tried to do just that, and it was also great advice, as I just counted down those 4 laps, trying to stay on target, without worrying about the end of the race. And I managed to stay quite close: 97sec, 96sec, 97sec and 98sec.
 
And then came the last 2 and a half rounds. I must say by that time I was really tired, and even though I was supposed to speed up at that point, I felt that I couldn’t and the second last round was actually my slowest. But then with one and a half rounds left to go, I asked myself do I really want to fail and feel terrible for it, and I tried to speed up. I also knew that my body can do it, that the body just signals it is tired, but still has reserves. And so I gave it all, shortened my stride and remembered thinking I don’t care what I look like running now, I just need to get to the finish line before 20 minutes. So my last round was the fastest, 92.6 seconds, and then there were only 200m left. And when I crossed the finish line, the time was at 19:57. I did it!
I actually seemed to feel much more exhausted than my friends in the race, which in hindsight tells me that for once I really gave everything. Well probably not everything, but more than in most other races that I have run. But the combination of feeling super exhausted and knowing you did it is one of the greatest experiences one can have! And again, it is the same in real life, things that are hard to achieve we come to cherish and treasure much more than things that come easy.
 
Looking back, the things that were probably most critical were the race strategy, to always just focus on the next goal and not counting the rounds I have left and towards the end, thinking about how terrible I would feel if I don’t hit my target. A few seconds indeed make a huge difference.
 
Surprisingly, throughout the race I did not at all pay attention to the other runners. In previous races, I usually kept myself busy comparing how other runners do, which can get depressing. I think it was a lot better to just focus on myself, and use my mental power to motivate myself to keep going.
 
Maybe I should have paid a bit more attention, as I was overtaken 30m before the finish line by someone I did not know was behind me. And so I only finished fourth. It is a good lesson for the next time. But this does not take away from the fact that I reached my main goal to stay below 20min.
 
Our coach with me and Orlando, who also broke his personal best to run below 19 minutes!

My hiking trip in Yosemite National Park in September 2019 – The amazing power of taking a break

I imagined it to be fun – beautiful scenery, warm weather, a time to relax, a time to contemplate. It was none of that, except for the beautiful scenery.
It was really much tougher than I had anticipated to hike with my way too heavy backpack almost non-stop uphill for over two days. And even the last day of hiking, when it just went downhill, was super tiring. And so I felt the greatest happiness during the trip when I arrived back and was able to enjoy hot tea and a hot sandwich, feeling proud of myself and having a euphoric feeling because ‘I did it’.
 
I also did not anticipate is how cold the nights were. When I stayed at the highest altitude, it was below zero and the water in my water bottle started to freeze. The nights felt super long and while freezing in my tent, I was literally counting the hours until daylight. And even after waking up, I could not wait for the sun to come out behind the mountains and warm my frozen fingers.
So in the end, instead of a fun holiday, it became a challenge to complete the hike. And I did manage to complete it, even one day earlier than planned, because I really wanted to get back.
 
Despite not being a pleasant or relaxing holiday, I am very happy that I took this journey. For one thing, I will remember this holiday as proof to myself that I can achieve things. If I look back onto my life so far, it is the things where I achieved things after trying hard that I like to look back on, that add meaning to my life and make me feel that I did not live in vain.
 
There is another reason for why I am happy I took this hike. Even though I did not get to reflect and contemplate during the trip, because I was tired or cold most of the time, I was for the first time since as long as I can remember completely dissociated from the world and my everyday habits. I literally stopped everything that I normally have been doing for the last decades on a daily basis completely. And after the hike it became very clear to me which are the things in my life that really mean a lot to me and which do I only do out of habit or obsession. And so through this hike I was able to stop some habits that otherwise I never could have given up. I also managed to answer some important questions or solved some problems that I have been facing in my daily life or that are related to my future professional and personal plans.
 
For instance, I have been thinking for a long time about whether I should primarily focus in my future academic career on research or teaching. I feel that I am passionate about both, although the research part often seems more challenging due to the difficulty to obtain grant funding, the many setbacks that one experiences and the long time it takes to make new discoveries. So I have been thinking about whether focussing more on teaching would be a good thing and would make me happier. But when on the morning after the hike I could open journal websites again and read about science, I immediately realised where my main passion lies. I like science and research, and the part that I like most about teaching is being able to convey to the students how exciting doing scientific research can be.
 
I have also for a long time hated how much time I spend on a daily basis to check out new music. It was like a daily chore and an obsession where I felt obliged to ensure that I don’t miss any good new music. In fact, I dreaded coming back from the hike for fear of all the catching up I have to do to check new music. I know, this might sound crazy. I have always justified this habit by telling myself that I really like music.
 
But when I got back from the hike I asked myself this important question: What are the things in my life that make me a better person and what are the things that really mean a lot to me? And checking new music was not in either of these categories. And this is how I managed to drop my obsession, which honestly I thought I could never do. And the truth is, I realised that I can still enjoy music without checking new music every day. And most importantly, I have so much more time now for things that seem more important.
 
While the distance from my daily routine helped me to realise what is not important for me, it also helped me to find out what does mean a lot to me. I was reminded of the time when I first went to the US as a student for an 8-month lab attachment, and when I came back I stopped doing sports and started engaging in all sorts of cultural activities. I won’t quit sports, because at my age it is really important for my health. However, I realised that I really like and miss going for concerts, plays, movies, engage in intellectual and emotional activities outside work. These are the things that enrich our days, make us feel alive and happy. And having started to be more culturally active has been a transformation in my happiness level. And what is more, I actually have things that I really look forward to almost on a daily basis.
 
It was interesting for me to receive an email from one of my previous undergraduates, who came back from his student exchange and quit his ambitious athletics side-career, despite being very succesful at winning races. But if we are good at something, it does not mean we need to keep doing it. There are so many exciting things to do in our life. It often is difficult to realise that we are caught up in a dead cycle, which is why taking a break can be so powerful.
 
Another thing that I recently have been thinking about a lot is where I want to live in the future. There are so many exciting places in the world, and many of the places in which I have lived or spend time bring back great memories. So do I really want to stay in Singapore?
 
The answer is actually yes. It is true, I sweat a lot, especially since I tend to do a lot of sports. But I realised that I rather sweat than freeze. And being able to do sports all all year around is really amazing.
 
But most importantly, in my recent analysis of what makes me happy (which I will write about in some other post), I found out that while the place where I live is important, it is not the most important factor. The most important thing for me is to feel fulfilled, and to be able to find new things that can keep me fulfilled. And my job and living in Singapore certainly offer me opporftunities to feel fulfilled in abundance. It may not be the best place, but then there is no best place really.
 
I have a lot of plans and things I want to do here. And although I love and sometimes miss places that I know well, I could always visit these places. 
 
For me, life is about doing things that I am passionate about. It is about improving and developing. Stagnation for me usually means depression. So the place where I can achieve personal development and where I am excited about the things I do is the perfect place to be.
 
All these insights came with taking a short break from everything, and spending some time to reflect afterwards.
 
If you want to find out what is important to you and give up the un-important things, taking a radical break is a good way. It can really help to see what are the things that mean a lot to you in your life. There is only limited time that we have and we should use it for the things that are really important to us and bring us real happiness.